a leather education
July 26, 2004

this weekend i went (with the filmmaker and her roommate montana, who is also my friend) to the dore alley street fair, which, for those not in the know, is the smaller, queer version of the folsom street fair, which is a bdsm leather street fair...not exactly my thing, but as a spectator, interesting to see...at least once in my life.

i saw more assless chaps and therefore more asses than i've seen in one place. i also saw more dick than i needed to see...in fact, i've had my fill of dick to last a lifetime.

and the most disturbing thing about it all was the fact that men (of all shapes and sizes) couldn't stop grabbing at themselves. there was this one larger guy, he looked part asian, and he was rather portly...standing on the side of the street, buck nakee, playing with himself and pulling on himself to get his dick to stand up so it would look bigger...there was this other really tall guy who was having his picture taken by several people near the port-o-johns (nice backdrop by the way) and in between shots, he'd grab his wang and stretch it out or pull on it and rub it...he wasn't at attention or anything...so i'm not sure what his little ritual was about, but he definitely had to keep touching it.

ick with a capital ick!

now, i am a firm believer in "to each his (in this case) own"...but gimme a freakin' break...leave the poor creature alone for God's sake!

and i am quite aware that if i didn't want to see so much exposed penis in one place, i didn't have to go to the street fair...but i did want to experience it at least once in my lifetime. after all, you can't say you don't like brussel sprouts unless you try them, right?

and at another classic moment during the day, at the BART station, while telling a roommate horror story, the filmmaker came up with the most clever euphemism for mastrubation that i've ever heard.

of course, it was unintentional, she was telling a story about masturbasis interruptus and how afterwards, it sort of left her scarred and afraid of the whole thing entirely. then she went on to tell of how she baked a pumpkin pie. but it was how she said it, and how she didn't stop between stories...

one second, she was talking about being afraid to get intimate while alone for fear of being discovered, and then next second she said, "so i decided to bake a pie"...which in and of itself is a regular activity...but in the context of the conversation, it took on a different (and better if i do say so myself) meaning.

so i took what she said and ran with it...so now, if you ever need to discuss self love in public, feel free to just say you were baking a pie.

example: the other night, i was baking a pie in the living room while watching real sex on HBO, when my roommate came home unexpectedly and i was caught with my pants around my ankles...

i think it could be the start of something fabulous! i encourage you to use it (and do it) freely. it can be our own (not so secret) code language and we can bring self love into the mainstream of every day conversation without causing too much of a stir.

not to mention that every time you hear some nice old lady talk about baking a pie, you know you're going to do a double take!

what it was - what it will be